Monday, December 20, 2010

What a difference a year makes...8,760 little hours...

A year ago at this time I sat in our crummy little apartment in NE Philly marveling at the fact that my baby had just turned one. Christmas rapidly approaching, we had purchased 2 little toys for Faith as she was only 12 months old and had no interest in the holiday.
Fast forward just a year and I find myself in South Jersey in a spacious and lovely apartment, I'm 6 months pregnant with a baby boy (!), my husband works for an entirely different company than the one that brought us to Jersey in the first place, Faith turned two years old last week, and 90% of Daddy's last 3 pay checks have gone to purchasing her a gross abundance of toys and gifts.
Beyond our physical location or holiday spending atrocities, it is the growth that my child has undergone in this short year that astounds me. My once chubby little infant has grown into a lean toddler, her face simply shines when she smiles and laughs. I can hold a conversation with her (albeit a basic one) and she undersands and responds...a far cry from the tantrums and inconsolable fits of yesteryear. Her curiosity of her surroundings and constant desire to gain a working understanding of her world is endless as every day, every hour she is learning something new. She has become an independent and funny little kid, yet always finds her way back to my lap and wraps her arms around my neck demanding "hugs Mommy HUGS!"
She is sensitive and soft and when I look at her, it takes my breath to realize she really is a
perfect combination of both Ed and myself, all the very best parts and none of the bad...yet.
I cannot imagine loving another human being as much as I love this child. It is cliche and corny but so almost physically hurts to love her this much. I begin to worry that I will be incapable of loving our son even a tenth of this. The logical side of me knows it is silly and that love will be automatic and unquestionable the moment I see him. The guilty side of me
feels as though I am short changing my daughter and somehow doing her a terrible injustice.
Silly...yes. Afterall, my brother and I were as thick as thieves when we were kids. As adults, we remained close, especially during times of struggle. We remain close now, despite living 2500 miles across country from each
other. I can only hope that Faith and her (yet to be named) brother will maintain a close and loving relationship.

I feel as though I had much more to say but somehow,it seems unimportant. Besides, there's a mountain of toys needing to be wrapped.

Monday, February 22, 2010

New kid in town.

"Fill out the introduction forms and we will then vote to decide if we want you to join our group. Remember, the more you tell us about yourself, the better we will be able to judge you. Don't forget to add a picture! Whether we accept you into our group or not, we'll send you an email letting you know our final decision."

My husband and I recently moved to a small town in South Jersey to be closer to his place of employment. While I love our new house and the town itself, I am beating my head against a wall daily to find a variety of activities to entertain and occupy my almost 15 month old toddler. Most of our days are spent doing things around the house and taking walks through town but I feel we both need a little more stimulation. I need the conversation only humans with a working vocabulary consisting of more than 13 words can provide, and she needs other children to play with.
It is this desperation that brings me to the website I am currently browsing, Apparently it is a directory of various "mommy & me" groups for any given zip code. Each group seems to come with a different theme or objective. There are the Attachment Parenting followers (I suppose I am one to a certain extent,) "Plus Size Moms and Loving IT!" (I'm not quite there...yet,) Baby has Two Mommies (my poor kid will have enough issues from this mommy, two would certainly traumatize her for life.) The group I am currently "applying" to is titled "Modern Moms." I glean from the given description that they are a mixed group of both working and SAH moms, mostly in their late 20's and early 30's, and have kid-free meet ups once every other month that involve adult beverages. Ding ding ding!

It is only when I realize that I have to somehow impress this group of women via an online application that my stomach turns and suddenly my mouth goes dry. I feel like I am in high school all over again, attempting to get in good with the popular girls. I am a broken legged lamb throwing myself into the lion's den. What the hell do I write about myself to sway a group of strangers' opinion of me? I was never good at this kind of thing. I was never popular or involved in clubs and I never attended social functions. I was the miserable weirdo who shaved her head and listened to angry punk rock. The few friends I did have were just as miserable as I was and I certainly never had to convince them to accept me. I never had many female friends. I was not a "girl's girl." I also was very prone to disconnecting myself from people and walking away without a moment's hesitation. This is not a quality I pride myself in having. I have come to realize in the past year or so that I DO need friends and my daughter needs a positive role model in which she can learn about happy and healthy relationships from. I am trying to set aside my social anxieties which seem to have only been magnified the older I get as my self confidence takes a nose dive. I have made attempts recently to bring Faith to little mommy and me groups. I took her to a toddler time group at the library nextdoor to our new home here in Swedesboro. I smiled at the other moms, I interacted with their children, I even tried to make conversation with one of them who was also sitting by herself. She looked at me like I was insane and all but ran out of the building when the class was over.

I type and delete, type and delete. I give up and exit out of the screen. Maybe I still am just the weird girl with the shaved head.